I made like a banana and split.

My legs are bruised. Straight up, old banana, black and blue, BRUISED. It all started with soccer. I was the only idiot player to not bring shin guards (and turf shoes?) therefore subjecting my legs to being flung heroically across the Fairfax Sportsplex. Well, it was heroic as long as they were in the air. Nanoseconds after, I came to a skidding halt against the rough astro turf and discovered my knee was bleeding.  A week and a half later, I have a scab that a 12 year old would be proud of. The other team’s goalie, a pretty large, sweaty dude, shuffled right through me, knocking me over and giving me a nasty purply, potato sized bruise right on top of my right ankle. Super cute. Boys, Valentine’s Day is next week and I KNOW y’all tryna holler at these purple legs. 

So that was soccer. We won! 9-5.

This past Friday, I was driving along in Tysons Corner, listening to Dark Horse by Katy Perry because Hot 99.5 is still sort of my jam, looking for 495 after a quick shopping/dinner trip. I realized I went too far down Westpark, so I began to make a u-turn. Mid u-turn, my driver’s side wheel well gets SLAMMED into by a big black Lexus SUV who was right behind me, riding my tail. Hence the 3 large bruises on my left leg. 

Now here’s the kicker: I get out of the car, completely shocked and in hysterics. We’re both in the middle of the (thankfully) empty intersection, as my car is unable to start and I assume hers was too. 

“Are you okay?” I call out semi-feebly. I was fine, although my head did hit the window and I was on the verge of collapsing in the road – I mean, everything was spinning! I was in total shock!

“You. Little. BITCH!!!!” the woman screams in a vaguely eastern European sounding accent, “WERE YOU NOT THINKING AT ALL?? HOW DARE YOU!! I AM A SINGLE MOTHER I COULD’VE DIED!!!!

“NO I AM NOT OKAY!” She continues, “YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!”

DANG this woman. Absolutely, 134% PSYCHO. Her car was dinged up, to be sure, but it was only her front bumper. On the passengers side. Far away from her, and far under her. I do not doubt that she was shaken up, because that’s the nature of accidents, but I was hit on my driver’s side, RIGHT BY ME. She never once asked how I was. Never even came to inspect my car (which she actually slammed into…). Nope. Just cursed at me. Told me I was going to hell. Was absolutely belligerent. 

CLEARLY you are going to be angry – I’m out of my car for 2 weeks and I’m sure she’s in a similar boat – but it was an accident. That’s all. Let this be a lesson to us all. Everybody makes mistakes (although I will not get into who’s fault this was, for insurance reasons), everybody has those days. Did Hannah Montana teach us nothing? To act like it was anything other than a super unfortunate accident means you have a whole lot of other issues that you might need to address. Such as happiness. If that lady is a truly happy person then I am the Empress of the Moon. 

There are the stories of my bruises. And why Dark Horse is now tainted. And the crazy nasty Russian lady who I’m sure is now out to get me. 

Here’s hoping the rest of 2014 is better than January was! Except for the weekend I went skiing. That was awesome.