Adventures on the Cupid

July 03, 2012

Adventures on the Cupid

If you are really desperate for any sort of human interaction (any sort, from chatting to "casual sex"), I suggest trying out OKCupid. For the privileged few who haven't heard of it, its a free dating site geared towards college/just out of college (there is the option to be older but I think if you're that old and that desperate, you'll shell out some cash for eHarmony…duh) that lets you chat as freely and creepily as your heart desires. You're also not required to include your name, so everyone knows you by whatever weird ass username you chose. If the connection proves meaningful, then MAYBE you give your name out, otherwise the guy will remember you as The One Who Got Away…or SexiiGiRLdC87.

How do I know all of this? Because I want to do online dating, duh! Actually, a friend of mine joined a while ago, and I only heard great stories, some creepy, some funny, all ultimately leading to nowhere. Yesterday, Emily and I decided to test out the system and see who/what would contact us and see just how gross some dudes can be.

[Editor's note: for more spoofy type things done by yours truly and mah main betch Emily, please refer to this fb "note" written ever so long ago]

After a brief meeting to discuss our goals of this experiment, we began. We scoured the internets for a blog of a random girl that has multiple pictures of her all over it. Lo and behold, we found a pretty mid-20s girl who calls herself "Shoe Girl" and loads her shoe blog with MySpace pix. Perfect. We invented a username (to protect the innocent I will withhold the name…ask me and i'll give it to you though hehe) and went down to business creating her life story.

Her name is Sasha and she's a 6th grade teacher. She's a diehard kosher vegetarian (but will occasionally sneak a burger hehe!) who loves her Hebrew National Ballpark Franks. She even won a hot dog eating contest one time. Her 4 cats and hamster named Hammy light up her world like nobody else, but her real passion is dance. She even has a Coldplay quote on her profile: "Are we human…or are we dancer?"

She's a bit of an existentialist and has deep thoughts, but don't you worry she loves Club Eden and getting crunk with her girlies. Now if any of this sounds off to you (such as…that lyric is clearly from a Killers song…how is she a vegetarian but loves Hebrew National Hot Dogs?) that's kind of the point. The bio is filled with things that don't make sense, things that make her sound like a bimbo. Would guys still message her after they read the profile?!

The short answer is: yes. Yes, because the guys on OKC don't read the girl's profile, at least not all of it. About 80% of the messages we got in the first 20 minutes (we probably got about 40 messages right away) were all concerning one little tidbit: "I can eat 5 ballpark franks in 1 minute ;)" that is found at the bottom of her page. Right above where it says "Looking for: friends, pen pals, casual sex, long term romances". Lightbulb anyone??

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I hope none of you get so sad and desperate that you join OKCupid. We're 22, 23 years old, I hope it hasn't come to that. Though, if you do, don't be a disgusting pig. I can see this working out for people if they're genuinely interested in the person they're trying to get to know...that's pretty rare here it seems. There were maybe 1 or 2 guys that seemed even worth answering back.

This is an ongoing experiment; I just signed on and there were 15 new messages. One guy actually rejected Sasha, guess she was too weird...oops. Below are some screenshots of her profile/the best convos we've recorded. Enjoy.

PS: I hope no one is offended by anything we say on the profile/to these poor desperate dudes. This is just too priceless to pass up. We'll get bored of it in about 2 days time.

Here's the beginning of her prof. She loves to love...and watch Ice Road Truckers.